


She's Sick

by Layni1771



Series: Stray Kids AUs [6]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3RACHA, Alternate Universe - High School, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Bittersweet Ending, Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Friendship, Gen, Gyu, Mental Health Issues, Physical Abuse, Role Reversal, Separation Anxiety, Slight Self-Harm, Verbal Abuse, changbin has a tough life, child acts as parent, each new chapter is about twice as long as the last, he meets jisung and chan, he will be in like half my fics i swear, i wrote this over like three days, induced by parental abuse, my boys - Freeform, please forgive me for any continuity errors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-28 20:59:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13912110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Layni1771/pseuds/Layni1771
Summary: Changbin loved his mom. She was the center of his universe, even if she spoke poison words and left crescent-marks on his skin. She was sick- It wasn't her fault. So he kept secrets and lived the same life daily. But Han Jisung and Bang Chan decided to break that cycle.Changbin isn't sure if he's okay with it.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a three-shot I wrote in three to four days, and it totals at just under 18,000 words. It details the emotional, mental, and slight physical abuse that occurs in an abusive relationship between Changbin and his mentally ill mother. It's pretty heavy so read with caution. Each chapter will have appropriate warnings listed in the end notes. I'll likely update the next two chapters over the span of the week.
> 
> I hope you'll take the time to read and enjoy. Leave a comment if you so please~
> 
> -Layni

 

Truthfully, he held a lot of secrets. Changbin knew that about himself. He wasn't sure when it started and if it would ever end- That was just his life, and he had come to accept it long ago. The same way he had come to accept the listless routine that made up his endless days. It never changed and Changbin didn't see a way that it ever would.

Wake up. Make sure Mom took her medicine. Shower. Make breakfast. Feed Mom. Bathe Mom. Get Mom dressed. Go to school. Worry at school. Go home. Check on Mom. Make Mom a snack. Feed Mom. Do homework. Make dinner. Feed Mom. Change Mom's clothes. Give Mom her night dose. Make sure Mom went to sleep. Go to sleep. Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Changbin was not bitter that this was his existence. It was all he had ever really known. His father had disappeared long before his birth, and he had no one but his mother. At high school, no one wanted to get near the boy in all black. It had been the same in middle school. In elementary, it had been that no one wanted to get near the boy with bruises all over his arms. So friendship was a foreign concept and Changbin lived only for himself and his mother. He spent his days caring and worrying about her, no matter what poison she dripped into his ears. All he needed was her by his side, and things would work out alright. Sure, she could not help him when his homework got too hard, nor could she assist him when he felt overwhelmed by the full-time job it was caring for her and himself, or anything else. But she was there and he needed her. He always needed her.

It was scariest when he had to go out to buy groceries. It had to happen every other week, but every time he stepped out of the house and locked the door behind him, Changbin felt anxiety bubble in his chest and make it hard to breathe. He hated leaving her in that house alone, the house where he kept all the knives and even safety scissors locked in drawers and any medicine hidden where his mom would never find it. When it was school, he worried of course, but it was completely unavoidable. If he had to go to the grocery store, he always wondered if he could survive on that last bowl of rice for another three days or so, but he would look at her bony, weakened body and feel his heart break with guilt. _Mom eats so little already, but here I am trying to starve her even more._ Those kinds of thoughts would drown his whole mind until he finally dragged himself out of the front door.

At first, he would walk calmly down the street, his steps measured even as his heart pulled him back. Soon enough though, his evenly paced steps would quicken to a bit of a jog, and end up as a full-out sprint until he reached the front of the store. With shaking hands he would grab a basket and put in a mix of long-lasting and fresh items as quickly as he could. Changbin's fingers would tremble so badly when trying to pull the money out of his wallet that the clerk would always give him a strange look. Then he would race back to his house, clumsily pull out his keys and struggle to get the key in the lock. He would not feel calm until he saw his mother's prone form in her bed. Then Changbin would put the groceries away and worriedly count the leftover money, and collapse into a chair as he desperately tried to figure out how he would be able to pay the bills and last until the end of the month.

His shoes were worn, with holes in the bottoms and the laces so frayed they could hardly be tied. But he could survive with them for a little longer, right? _Anything for Mom_. He did not own a single jacket that did not have a hole in the pocket or a torn sleeve, but Mom's jackets had to be in perfect condition for the days he took her to see the doctor. She could not get cold. So instead of replacing his jackets, Changbin would buy her new ones when he had the extra money. That was how it had to go. He had to take care of his mom.

"Changbinnie..." She would call, her voice weak and breathy. The teenager would leave whatever he had been doing behind in a heartbeat and kneel by the head of her bed, holding her cold hand in his as he searched for any sign of distress.

"What is it, Mom?"

"Why are you like this? Why are you so useless? My Changbinnie, the most useless child in the world..."

" _Mom_..."

"You're supposed to live for me. _Me_. Why are you wasting your time on homework? I brought you into the world and you're treating me like I'm not even worth your time. Dinner was supposed to be an _hour_ ago. Why can't you do anything right?" Her breathing would get more labored and her voice would raise, and the words would burn Changbin's insides and tear away pieces of his heart. Even if he checked the clock and saw that dinner was not supposed to be made for another twenty minutes, telling her so would only make him argumentative.

He always wanted to argue with her, she said.

He always did the opposite of what he was meant to, she said.

He was _bad_ , she said.

"I'm sorry Mom," Changbin would gasp, and she would yank her hand away from him. Even as he reached out to take it again, she would fix a heated glare on him until he stood and backed away, tears burning his eyes, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

Then he would be ignored for days. Mom would refuse to look at or speak to him, and she would not allow him to touch her. She would stumble around the house, bathing and dressing herself stubbornly, no matter how much she would insist to him before that she was _too tired_ to do it. Changbin would watch in silence as she ignored the meals he made her and only drank water. She refused to take her medicine unless he placed it on her bedside table and was away from her. His heart hurt so badly those days, and he would go through his school day dead to the world. He would return and tremble at the thought of his broken routine, and hold Gyu as tightly as he could to his chest to try and fall asleep. Mom would start to cry loudly, screaming and shouting from her bed in the corner by the kitchen. Her mouth would be wide open and her face twisted in agony, and Changbin would approach her, murmuring to her that it was okay and that he was there.

Mom would finally, _finally_ touch him and lay her head weakly on his chest, and Changbin would wrap his arms firmly around her even as she dug her sharp nails into his biceps and drew blood. Even as she slammed her fist to his chest, demanding to know why he was so cruel to her. He would cry and apologize and promise to do better next time, and rock her in his arms until she fell asleep. Sometimes it would take until past two in the morning, and like a good son, Changbin tucked her in bed, kissing her forehead and brushing the hair out of her face.

He would go to sleep with relief flooding through him, because Mom was _talking_ to and _touching_ him again.

 

Gyu was a present from his mother. The only one he could remember receiving. His dear stuffed Munchlax, that she had bought for him back when she still worked and got out of bed most days. Before Mom got too sick. She would do her makeup and her hair, and smile at him even though she gripped his arms hard enough to always leave them bruised and told him how badly he misbehaved. He did not get Gyu for a birthday present- He never had gotten one in his life. Rather, Changbin had come home from school with an award for his poem and even though she ripped it up as soon as he gave it to her, the very next day his mother had woken him up late in the morning by ruffling his hair. As he sleepily blinked up at her, she placed the stuffed plushie in front of him and told him how proud of him she was.

That day, she even took him to eat his favorite pancakes.

Changbin had been nine and Gyu was the most important thing he owned since. He had never learned to part with the precious thing, and he loved it almost as much as he loved his mother (Even though she pinched him when he made too much noise). So when he came home from school to find his mother holding the stuffed animal, Changbin's heart began to pound and his mouth dried. He hesitantly held a hand out, taking a small step forward as he closed the front door. His mother's long, knotted hair whipped around her as she turned towards him, a hatred burning in her eyes. His breathing stuttered as she squeezed one hand tightly around the closest thing he had to a friend, and his eyes flicked from the toy to hers, anxiously.

"Why...Why do you _have_ this?" Her voice was tight and her chest heaving. _Mom is angry, why is she out of bed, why does she have Gyu, why is she so angry-_ So many thoughts ran through Changbin's mind as he tried to swallow, nearly choking on the sandpaper feeling of his tongue.

"I- Mom, he was...He was a _present_ from you," The teen whispered, lowering the hand that hung uselessly in the air. He gripped the fabric of his school uniform's pants, trying to school his pained expression, "You should lay down, you're sick-"

"I am _not_ sick!" She yelled, stamping her foot on the wooden floors, "God, Changbin, you're just like the damned doctors- You never listen to me! Why are you such a child? Grow _up_ , adults lie! Why do you believe everything the doctors tell you? They just want our money! You aren't a child, Changbin, why do you _have this_?"

"Mom, please-" Changbin's teeth had drawn blood from how tightly they sank into his bottom lip. Her venomous words poured over his whole body, and he could feel the _truth_ in them. _The truth isn't easy to hear_. But the one thing his mom was wrong about, the one thing she was always wrong about, was that she wasn't sick. Changbin knew she had always been sick, and she wanted to make herself feel better by saying she wasn't. That was normal. But her getting so angry and violent wasn't, and he was scared. Scared for Gyu, who was stuck in her grasp.

"Don't call me that! Who would ever want a son as terrible as you? You don't even take care of me or take responsibility for yourself! _You aren't a child anymore_!" Mom shrieked at him, and before he could approach her to try and calm her down, she changed her grip on his precious toy. One hand wrapped around his head and the other around his body. The stuffed animal was so old, it only took a small amount of force for her to pop the seams, and she dropped both Gyu's detached head and body to the ground, her arms limp. The stuffing covered the floor and Changbin cried out, slapping his hands to his mouth as he fell to his knees. _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry_ , he begged himself, but the tears welled up with the overwhelming sense of _loss_ as he stared at the ripped plushie. A sob Changbin could not control ripped from his throat, and he curled over his knees, whole body shaking.

He could hardly see anything through his tear-blurred eyes, but even over the blood rushing through his ears he could hear his mother's lecture, berating him and kicking the walls, no doubt harming herself in the process. The thought worried Changbin even through his grief, and his breathing stuttered as he wiped desperately at his eyes, searching for his mother. She stepped in front of him, seemingly exhausted as she dropped to the ground. Her soft hands reached out, palms sliding against his cheeks and across his hair as she pulled him into a tight hug, stroking his back.

"There there, Changbinnie, it's alright now," Mom's voice was quiet and soothing, and he clung to her. His tears and snot bled onto her white shirt, but she did not seem to mind as she petted his hair, "Mama is here. If you just got things right the first time, I wouldn't have to be so mean to you. You understand, don't you my darling boy? My poor, stupid boy, Mama's here, it's alright..."

 

It was weeks after the incident with Gyu (After his mother had gone to bed, the teenager had desperately dug through the trash, grabbing the two pieces and every bit of stuffing he could. The remnants of his precious gift were stowed under his bed, in the farthest corner where his mother would surely never find him. Changbin had not slept properly since) that Changbin found a disturbance in his routine. It was by no means his fault, or something that he had asked for. He liked his routine. It was solid, changed only when his mother had a fit, but even that could be considered routine in some way. He went to school that day like any other, the bags under his eyes deep and purple. _Hecouldn'tsleepwithoutGyu_. That was still true, and his exhaustion radiated off of him like hunger did a starving dog. The students in his school avoided him just as much as they always had.

Until one didn't.


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han Jisung's brand of forceful kindness is not anything like Seo Changbin has seen before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this ~6000 word installment we meet Jisung and quickly are introduced to Chan. Warnings are different than the first chapter so be sure to check the end notes before reading if you are worried about possible triggers. A 0.2 second mention of Jeongin in this chapter.
> 
> One chapter left after this!

 

In those weeks since Gyu's destruction, Changbin had felt eyes on him. He assumed that it was just a sort of grief thing from losing the one thing in this world that held value to him that wasn't Mom, but he only felt those eyes on him when he was at school and walking home. It made him jumpy and feel nauseous, and sometimes he would ponder on it so much that he nearly missed the time to make dinner, or to give Mom her medicine. Changbin detested that- How could he be so distracted, so _useless_? It was his job to look after his mom and he couldn't even do that right. The thought twisted his stomach into knots, and because of that he tried to pay even more attention to her, choosing to do his homework on her bed while talking to her instead of in his bedroom.

His mother's bed was right next to the kitchen so he could always keep an eye on her unless he was in his room. Changbin often wondered if taking the bedroom was selfish and made him a bad son, but Mom had never said so, so it was fine, right? He hoped it was fine, even though he couldn't sleep anymore.

Changbin walked to school like any other day, having locked the door behind him and checking it twice before tugging up his hood and shoving his hands in his pockets. His pockets did not hold much- His keys, his wallet, and a few stray candy wrappers from when he took his mom to the doctor's office. He always gave her a piece of candy after, because if he didn't she would spend the whole time back crying into his shoulder about how cruel the doctors were and how terrible he was for making her go. If Changbin did not need her medications refilled, he would never make her go- He hated when she was upset. He swallowed, eyes trained on the ground as he passed by his classmates on the way to school. Not a single one stopped him, or even tried to greet him. It was typical and he hardly even noticed, instead choosing to focus on the list of chores he would have to do that weekend. It was the time of the month where he would clean the whole house. Sometimes Mom would feel well enough to help, and they would laugh and smile at each other. Changbin loved that. But he could not think of a place to hide Gyu in that time.

His bed would be moved away from his wall. Mom went through the drawers. Maybe he could hide Gyu in his backpack for a while? It made Changbin anxious to think about and he shook his head as he entered the school gate. Instead, his thoughts turned to his mother. Was she doing alright? Had she gone back to sleep? What was she doing? They were the same thoughts that went through his mind every time he was at school, and he tapped his fingers as he sat at his desk.

In front of him, Changbin laid out his notebooks and pencils. Worn and old like everything else Changbin owned that wasn't his uniform, they contrasted greatly with the shine of his recently-cleaned desk. He doubted many other people would notice, but he always did- When the desks had been cleaned. It always caught his eye, and he smiled just slightly, an upward quirk of the corner of his lips. It was brief, and his head was tilted down like always, but an only vaguely-familiar voice interrupted the pleasant discovery.

"Isn't it nice when the desks are cleaned?" At first, Changbin did not recognize that the voice was talking to him and he did not move or respond. Then a hand placed itself on the front of his desk and he looked up, eyes slightly widened as he saw the face of one of his classmates. Round, bright, and smiling, the boy spoke again, "Isn't it?"

"I...Yes...?" His own voice was quiet and low, and he refused to make eye contact. It was rare he spoke to anyone that wasn't Mom or her doctor, and he definitely had never spoken to this classmate before. Changbin was certain of that because he hadn't spoken to _any_ of his classmates before, and he bit his lip. The cut from biting his bottom lip when _Gyu_ happened was still there, unable to heal due to his own habit of biting and reopening it. The pain was a welcome distraction from the uncomfortable situation Changbin had been thrust into, but his fellow student seemed undeterred by his general aura and unwillingness to hold a conversation. Changbin knew he was unpracticed in that area, and he was okay with that. He was not okay with the break in his routine.

"I've never introduced myself before, right? I'm Han Jisung! I'm a year younger than you probably but I used to go to school somewhere else and so I ended up in this grade when I moved! You're Seo Changbin, right?" Jisung was crouching by his desk now, smile bright and making Changbin uncomfortable in all sorts of ways. He nodded, looking at his beat-up school supplies rather than the boy. He swallowed, eyes flicking towards the clock at the front of the classroom before back down. Jisung continued on, "You know, I really like your backpack. It looks well-loved but it's really nice!"

Changbin had been using the same dark blue backpack for five years. It was ordinary and old, and while he was fond of it after so long, there was no reason for the younger teen to show it any interest. Before he could force some sort of awkward reply, the bell rang and Jisung hopped up, eyes twinkling.

"Whoops, gotta go! Nice talking to you Changbin-ssi!" The boy merrily returned to his own desk, three rows up and two seats over. He waved when he noticed Changbin's eyes on him, and the latter looked down in embarrassment, cheeks coloring slightly as the teacher entered the room. The lecture for the day began, and this time instead of just his mother, the teenager's mind was also focused on the strange classmate who was the first one to start a conversation with him in years.

It was not a good feeling.

 

Jisung did not approach him for the following two days at school, to which Changbin had been thankful for. He had worried himself endlessly over whether or not his routine would be interrupted further. His _repeat, repeat, repeated_ days had been going on for years, and he was unsure of how to deal with change. Especially with that uncomfortable feeling of being watched still happening. Mom had noticed the change in behavior and had quickly set him straight, demanding to know what was more important that her and pinching his bicep hard enough to bruise. Since then, he tried to push any lingering worries out of his mind. Mom was the only thing he had to worry about. So when, on the last day of school before the weekend, he walked into the classroom to see Jisung sitting atop his desk with a lollipop in his mouth, Changbin's heart dropped. He did not know how to deal with the overwhelming sense of dread, but he forced himself to continue moving forward, sliding into his seat and placing his backpack on the floor next to him.

"Morning, Changbin-ssi!" Jisung's voice was loud and cheerful, but he only offered a jerking nod in return, "So, like, I brought you something but I don't want to give it to you now. Will you wait for me after school?"

Changbin's eyes narrowed and he finally looked up at the younger, "You brought me something?"

"Mmhm! But like I said, I want to give it to you later. Is that cool?" His legs swung from the edge of the desk in excitement, and Changbin...He blinked slowly, teeth catching his bottom lip again. He was certain that Jisung knew how uncomfortable he was in that situation- There was no way he couldn't, Changbin was sure with how useless he was that there was no way his feelings weren't written all over his face. Still, he murmured a small verbal agreement and the younger's face _lit up_ , even more than it already had been. _Mom, I'm really sorry I'll be home a little later_ , he thought to himself as Jisung returned to his own desk with the loud ring of the bell.

Just the notion of leaving her alone longer than he had to made his heart pound, and he dug his nails deeply into his palm. He knew that she wasn't supposed to be by herself. Mom always ended up hurting herself if she was alone for too long, and he began to regret ever agreeing to wait after school. Why was he so stupid all the time? Through the day, his self-deprecating thoughts worsened and Changbin had made his own palms bleed. Leaning against the bathroom wall at lunchtime, he wet a piece of paper towel and prodded at the crescent wounds, breaths shaking and heavy. Both hands stung but it was likely something he deserved. Changbin was argumentative and did everything wrong, after all.

The bathroom door opened but he paid it no mind, focusing only on trying to wipe away the blood. He had expected the other student to move along without even glancing at him, but the steps stuttered in front of him, and Changbin looked up sharply when soft hands grasped his own. A boy he didn't recognize with dyed silver hair looked at him in concern, taking the paper towel from Changbin's weak grip.

"Hey, let me see this...You're cut up pretty bad," The boy said, inspecting the cuts worriedly, "It's not any good if you try to clean the blood when both of your hands are bleeding. I'm Bang Chan, a senior. Are you alright?"

_I would be better if you weren't touching me_ , was what Changbin thought, but beyond that he felt a strong sense of satisfaction at the physical contact. Such a thought scared him- Only Mom had ever really touched him before, and he began to tug his arms back. Chan released his grip immediately, but his size left no room for escape. Still, his eyes widened and he took a step back, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

"I'm sorry, I should have asked before touching you- But seriously. Are you sure you don't want to see the nurse or something, dude?" Changbin shook his head, and grabbed another piece of tissue. The older boy watched him carefully as he wet it, dabbing at the wounds without so much as a hiss. Mom had done much worse to his arms with her nails before, and she hated when he cut them. More often than not, hers were long and painful when she wanted them to be. The self-inflicted wounds were nothing, but Changbin just didn't want to get blood on his school uniform. It would be hard to get the blood stains out. His eyes flicked up from his task once he realized the senior still hadn't moved from his spot, face screwed up in concern.

"Really, I'm fine, it was just an accident," Changbin excused quietly, taking a deep breath as he tossed the used towels in the trash, "Don't worry about it."

"If you say so..." Chan replied, but clearly not easily. His brow was furrowed even as Changbin slipped past him and out of the bathroom.

The encounter had unsettled the boy all the more, he realized as the day continued. Not only did the worry he felt for his mother continue to grow in size- _What if she panics when I'm not home on time and tries to come find me_ \- But the negative feelings he had associated with the only two students at the school who had spoken to him made him sick to his stomach. Changbin much preferred being ignored. And what could Jisung possibly want to give him? He hadn't the slightest idea, and the fact that the strange senior had touched him without even asking made his heart race and face flush in humiliation.

When the final bell rang, Changbin was slow to gather his things, refusing to look up. He knew that at any moment, Jisung would show up and while he wanted to hurry through the meeting to get to his mother, he did not want to be with his classmate sooner than he had to be. Apprehension flooded as an icy cold through his veins as he zipped the stained blue backpack in his lap. Suddenly, a pair of white shoes appeared on his desk, and Changbin closed his eyes. He took a deep breath before sliding his eyes slowly up to meet Jisung's smiling ones.

"Hey Changbin! Thanks for waiting for me!" He chattered, leaning against the chair of the desk in front of Changbin's, "So, like, I have this friend Jeongin and you guys look to be the same shoe size and I bought these shoes for him, right? But he didn't want them because I guess he already has them- No wonder I thought he'd like them, right? And like I said, you guys look like the same size so I wanted to see if they fit you. If they do, you can have 'em!"

He blinked slowly, staring at the pair of brand new shoes sitting innocently on his desk.

"So do you wanna try them on?" The other pushed excitedly. Changbin's throat spasmed as he swallowed, shaking his head.

"No, I can't- I can't take these even if they do fit," He denied, hands curled tightly in his chest. He could not force himself to look up at the brunet, embarrassment coloring his cheeks a light pink hue. Changbin couldn't just... _Take_ someone's shoes like that. He didn't need anything new- _Mom_ , Mom needed new things. Changbin always had to come second to her-

"Aw, but Changbin, I can't return these, I threw away the receipt 'cause I thought Jeongin would want them for sure! C'mon, please? I don't know who else has feet that even kinda look like his size," He pouted, leaning closer. Changbin wanted to get up and _run_ , because he needed to go home and _Mom was home alone_ but a mix of something in Jisung's tone and his own emotions kept him there, biting at his lip as he stared at them. Jisung did not move anymore, simply smiling at the hesitant teen, "Just try them. If you don't like them, that's cool too. But you might as well try, ya know?"

He shook his head again, but slowly pushed his seat back and leaned down to untie his fraying, dirty shoelaces. It was mortifying to have Jisung watch him remove his ratty and obviously old shoes, and Changbin refused to make eye contact, sliding on the white shoes with a sort of wonder. It had been _so long_ since he had anything new and nice, and the shoes were surprisingly comfortable. He laced them up with trembling fingers, tasting the blood from the reopened wound on his bottom lip as he did so. Jisung did not make a sound, and jerkily Changbin raised himself from his chair, taking a few steps away from his desk. A mix of pleasure and terror stabbed needles from his insides out, piercing as though from under his skin into the air. He turned slowly, hardly meeting Jisung's satisfied gaze. The classroom had emptied ages ago, and it was just the two of them.

"Do they fit well?" Jisung questioned softly. His head was tilted and the smile wore was something much more gentle rather than bright. Changbin nodded but opened his mouth to speak- He could not possibly take the shoes, he did not deserve those sorts of things when the last time he bought his mom shoes was at the start of winter- But the younger beat him to it, clapping his hands and standing up straight, "It's settled then! You take those. I don't have a use for them since they're not my size."

"I can't-"

"Changbin, really," Jisung's voice held a patient kindness, but surprisingly it did not feel patronizing, "They'd be a waste of money if I took them. Just have the shoes, alright? If you really feel guilty, bring me something on Monday, okay? I have to go, though, my family wants me home really soon. Have a good weekend and enjoy the shoes!"

He grabbed his backpack and raced outside the classroom door, leaving Changbin speechless and with an arm hanging in the air in a much-too-late attempt to stop him. The teenager stared at his feet, and a sort of admiration welled up inside him as he inspected the shoes. They were a brand he did not recognize- Changbin did not know any brands to begin with, he only bought what was cheap and comfortable- But they were a shining white color with thick silver bands on the sides. The shoes were likely the nicest thing he had ever touched, much less worn, and discomfort layered over him again. But Jisung was long gone, and Changbin's need to _go home_ was screaming loudly at him. He quickly placed his worn-out shoes in his backpack and sprinted from the classroom, taking the steps two at a time. _Mom needs me_ , echoed in his mind as he left school grounds.

Two pairs of eyes watched his retreating form.

 

Mom had not noticed the shoes. Contrary to Changbin's hope, she was too sick to help him with cleaning the house the next morning. His heart had dropped when he sat on the edge of her bed, running a hand over her long hair and quietly coaxing her awake. When her eyes opened, they seemed glossed over with something much different than sleep, and he felt his heartbeat thrum in his fingertips.

"Mom? Are you awake?" She did not respond, nor even look at him and _panic_ filled him. What if she was mad because he had returned home late? Changbin had thought she did not know- Mom had been asleep when he came bursting through the door, and it had been such a sense of relief. But now he doubted if she really had been, and he rested a hand softly on her cheek, "It's morning. Do you want to help me clean the house today?"

"Changbinnie..." Mom whispered, eyes drowsily finding his, "Changbinnie, Mama is so tired today..."

"That's okay," He soothed, pulling her covers tighter around her, "I'm here Mom. I'll take care of you. I don't need help cleaning. Do you want breakfast? I can make you something light."

She shook her head, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes, "Changbinnie, my poor Changbinnie...A useless child..."

Pain stabbed at his heart, but he smiled at her through his shattering self despite it. He knew just how useless he was, and to hear the most important person in the world tell him only made the reality that much worse. But Changbin would always try for his mother. He had to be a better son. He _had_ to be, so she could let him know when he wasn't useless anymore. Changbin had to prove that he wouldn't always be useless, "I'm going to help you sit up so you can take your medicine. I have it right here."

He wrapped one arm around her back and pressed her close to his chest, helping her shift into a sitting position. He turned to the bedside table and took hold of the pill case he had retrieved from the locked cabinet. Changbin grasped his mother's hand, helping her cup it and carefully pouring the pills into her palm. The teenager grabbed the glass of water he had previously prepared and once she tossed the pills into her mouth, he assisted her in guiding the cup to her chapped, cracked lips. Changbin felt his heart break at the sight. His mother was so, _so_ sick...It made him so sad. How much longer could she last like that? _When Mom dies_...He could hardly stomach the thought, nausea rolling around his insides. Without her, Changbin would never survive. He _needed_ Mom. Without her, he was no good. Changbin would have no purpose in the world, and it would wash away to grey. If there was no Mom...There was no reason for Changbin to keep living.

Mom reached out for him and he hardly held back his surprised flinch as her thumb gently brushed a tear from the corner of his eye, "Ah, precious stupid Changbinnie, don't cry...Mama is here. I'm only telling the truth. Mama will take care of you as long as you're useless...I'm always here for my baby Changbinnie."

He laughed- His chest felt so light, hearing her promise to be there- And gave her a watery smile, "How about I get you bathed today, okay? We'll see if you feel up to eating after. Alright?"

"I love you, Changbinnie."

"I love you too, Mom."

After bathing her, she had only taken a few small, painful bites of rice before collapsing back into bed and falling asleep. Changbin was disappointed, because it felt like cleaning the house with her was the only time they really could have fun, even if Mom tended to push him too hard or pinch him when he laughed too loud and made her head hurt. At the same time, he knew that it was better for her to rest. There was always next time. Besides, he had truthfully been a little nervous that she would find the shoes and get upset about them. Yes, they had been a gift from Jisung- _My second present ever_ \- But she wouldn't have known that. Changbin didn't want her to think he was stealing from her, and he worried that if she listened to his explanation that she would think he was leaving her. He couldn't ever leave Mom, and it would kill him if she felt like he was abandoning her. Besides those, though, there was another thing he feared; Changbin feared that she would make him give the shoes back to Jisung.

He hadn't wanted to accept them, but now that he had taken them home...Changbin loved them. It was the first gift he had been given from someone outside of his family, and his second in his whole life. He had grown so attached, and the thought of giving them up now was hard. The shoes could never replace Gyu, who was still hidden away in pieces, but they still filled his heart. The teenager had needed new shoes for so long and Mom's needs always came first. These precious shoes were comfortable, beautiful, and most importantly, they didn't have holes in them- Nor did the bent, broken metal dig into his ankle, because there was no broken metal to speak of. Changbin...He definitely had to thank Jisung for the shoes somehow. He didn't know how the younger knew he needed them, or if it was just a coincidence, but still. He may be a fool who knew next to nothing, but Changbin knew he had to do something back.

As he cleaned the house, scrubbing the floors and walls with a strength none would expect, Changbin wondered what he could do. _I don't own anything I can give him, and I don't have any money either_...No, Changbin only had the bare essentials of what he needed to live and use for school. Gyu had been his one luxury in life. He had a few books that he had purchased previously for school assignments through the years, and notebooks that he wrote in, but otherwise, Changbin had nothing to entertain himself with. His life revolved around taking care of Mom. He wasn't good at anything anyway, but as he thought about it, there was one thing that he did every day and was at least passable at.

Changbin could cook, at least a little bit.

That night, as he laid awake in bed ( _No Gyu, no sleeping, I can't sleep-_ ), Changbin made a mental checklist of what he had and what he would need. It was...It was that horrible time again tomorrow, when he had to go grocery shopping and _leave_ his mother alone. While that terrified him to no end, it had to be done, and he could buy the ingredients he needed to make a meal for Jisung. Because...

"People give gifts in return, right...?" Changbin whispered to himself unsurely in his otherwise-silent bedroom.

It did not hold the answers, but he was determined to at least try.

 

On Monday morning, Changbin stared at his naked body in the mirror. Mom had gotten angry when she woke up from her nap and he was not home the day before. He explained that he had to go grocery shopping, tears in his voice and fear _beating in his chest instead of a heart_ , but she refused to listen until she had pinched and scratched his arms- Until they were bruised and cut and bleeding all over the place. It had been years since Mom had hurt him that badly, and Changbin had been forced to sleep shirtless atop a towel to avoid the shirt being trapped in scabs and blood covering his sheets. The next morning, his biceps and shoulders burned and ached badly, but it was nothing his uniform would not cover.

Despite the pain and his mother's subsequent hysterics, Changbin had been able to make a small meal for Jisung that he was...Not _proud_ of, because he was sure he messed up somewhere like always, but Changbin was happy that he had at least tried. He sighed, pulling out the salve from the medicine cabinet- The only cabinet in the whole house that was left unlocked, because he only put bandages and healing salves in there, any other medicine was locked in his bedside table- And sitting on the closed toilet. He unscrewed the cap, dipping his fingertips in the cold cream and gingerly swiping it on the deepest scratches. Sour saliva filled his mouth as the pain coated his senses and Changbin swallowed, attempting to make quick work of the affair.

He had spent a good forty minutes cleaning his blood and skin out from under Mom's fingernails after she was done, to ensure none was left.

Once he finished applying the medicine, the teen took the gauze roll and clumsily wrapped it around his arms. It was hard to find a proper balance- He needed it to stay on his arms and not unravel, but he didn't want it squeezing his arms or cutting off circulation anywhere. When Changbin was done, he washed his hands and left the bathroom. Mom was sitting up in bed, holding a book Changbin had read as a school assignment in the eighth grade. A small smile appeared on his lips, but a glance at the clock told him he was on his way to being late for school. He quickly made his way to the fridge, grabbing both his small lunch and his gift for Jisung, and shoving them in his backpack without a thought. He had worked on his homework late into the night, and he gathered his binder, notebooks, and pencils in his arms. Changbin bid his mother a good day and locked the door behind him.

He jogged all the way to school, anxiety bubbling in his chest and in the base of his throat. Changbin did not care for school, true, but the threat of being late and getting _detention_ , being away from his mother was enough for him to always want to be on time. He never did anything that could get him in trouble, and the relief when he entered the classroom minutes before the bell nearly had him sinking to his knees. Changbin slid into his seat and placed the school supplies he held all the way there on the surface, but when he looked up his eyes immediately met Jisung's smiling ones. Somehow, the teen had materialized in front of his desk again.

"You're wearing them~" Jisung seemed so happy with that fact, and Changbin's cheeks dusted red.

"I, they were a gift, so-" The younger cut him off with a laugh, waving his hands in front of him quickly.

"No, no, I'm really glad! I was worried that you hated them or something, and that you took them just to shut me up. They really suit you, Changbin. I'm glad I gave them to you!" Jisung's attitude was always so bright, and Changbin could not help but wonder how someone could have such a drowningly cheerful disposition. He shifted in his seat, stretching his arms a little and wincing as he felt numerous scabs pull and tear. The younger seemed to notice immediately, and his expression fell a little, eyes searching for something, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I just have a sore back," Changbin excused without a second thought, and before he could lose his nerve, spit out his next words, "I uh, wanted to thank you for the shoes so I have something for you."

"Really?!" His classmate's eyes lit up immediately.

"Mm, but would you mind if we, uh, met in the West wing during lunch so I can give it to you? That's where I normally eat and I'd rather give it to you then..." Changbin had never spoken that many words to someone other than his mother, her doctor, and teachers before, and his voice screamed awkwardness and a lack of confidence. Jisung seemed unbothered and nodded in excitement.

"Definitely! I can't wait!" The bell rang and the brunet waved as he returned to his own seat. Soon enough, the lecture began and Changbin really felt the exhaustion of the past few weeks weigh on his shoulders. Heaviness dragged his swollen eyelids down, and it was only fear that kept his eyes open. His ears buzzed as he listened to the lesson, worry for his mother, grief for _hispoorGyu_ , and embarrassment about his gift for Jisung all rolled into one. He felt sick to his stomach, and Changbin's arms were certainly bleeding sluggishly with every few movements. The healing skin tugged and stretched, ripping more than once and the bruises left such a deep ache he could hardly believe.

Changbin was just happy Mom had left his forearms mostly alone, or writing his notes would be even more hellish than it already was.

 

When lunch came around, the teenager grabbed his backpack and books, immediately retreating to the West wing that most students left alone. He always preferred to eat where no one would be around, and if money was tight and he had no food...Then no one there would notice. His throat began to close on him in fear as he waited in the entrance for Jisung. Changbin had learned that Jisung had a different classroom than him for 5th period which came just before lunch, and it made the anxiety of the whole situation even worse. The hallway was fairly quiet and he had nothing to distract himself with except for his own thoughts and the physical pain he felt with each breath. Bright, bouncing footsteps soon caught his attention and Changbin looked up to see Jisung energetically waving his hand.

"Hey Changbin!" He grinned, running a hand through his hair, "You know, when I said you could bring me something Monday, you really didn't have to."

Changbin didn't reply, instead sinking to his knees to open up his backpack. Jisung followed him, sitting cross-legged as he waited impatiently, bouncing in excitement. The older pulled his own small lunch out of the top of his old backpack, placing it gently to the side. Jisung peered at the container curiously but didn't speak. He grasped the other container that held his classmate's gift and lifted it, but froze.

_Gyu_.

Sitting in his backpack were the remains of his dear stuffed Munchlax, and he felt the wave of grief wash over him. _I forgot to put him back_ , Changbin thought, clenching his first. Even though his mother had not been well enough to help clean, he had still feared that she would find the toy and he had placed him in his backpack when she went back to sleep. After that, his thoughts had been occupied and he had forgotten to return his dear friend to the bag underneath his bed. At the sight of Changbin frozen, staring inside the bag, Jisung frowned in worry and leaned over to look at the contents. His eyes seemed to take in the pieces and stuffing all at once and his expression softened. He cleared his throat quietly, but Changbin still flinched at the unexpected noise.

"Is that yours?" Jisung's voice held none of his mother's accusal or anger, only kind understanding but Changbin viciously fought back against the trembling that threatened his whole body. Instead, he offered a jerking nod, caressing the aged face lightly with his fingertips. The two students sat in silence for a few long moments, the older of the two desperately trying to not let his emotions show. Jisung spoke again, tone careful but bright enough to cover it so Changbin would not notice, "You know, I have a friend that could fix that. It's just the seams, right?"

"Yeah..." Changbin's eyes burned, looking at his _broken_ friend in despair.

"If you don't mind, I could have him take it and fix it-" Immediately, the teenager shook his head violently, holding the backpack close to his chest. Jisung backtracked without hesitation, "Or I could text him to bring sewing supplies and do it right here. We have an extended lunch since it's Monday anyways. Does that sound cool?"

Someone else touching Gyu was new and terrifying, but...

"He could fix him?"

"Definitely," Jisung's smile was back, and he tilted his head, "What do you think? Should I text him?"

"...Won't your friend mind?"

"Nah, Chan does stuff like this all the time. He loves to help. It's okay if I text him then?" When Jisung did not see any sign of disagreement, he pulled out his phone and quickly typed, eyes flicking towards the older, "What's his name?"

"Gyu," Changbin knew his cheeks were bright red at that point, and probably even his ears. But at the thought of being able to _sleep_ again, to hold Gyu to his chest and finally slip into the peaceful oblivion he had not met in so long...It was a beautiful thought, and he felt a spark of happiness in his chest. _I have to be careful with him from now on_ , Changbin thought, _Mom can't see him, but if I sleep with him at night and hide him in the morning, she won't call me bad or a child. She'll still love me._ It was a happy thought, and he nearly smiled.

"Gyu! How cute~ Chan is on his way over. So, what's this gift I've heard so much about?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Part Two Warnings:] Physical, mental, and emotional abuse of teenage child, role-reversal between mentally ill parent and child, unspecified mental illness, minor self-harm, self-deprecating thoughts, anxiety attack, heavy emotional distress


	3. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan is the strength he needs at the right times. Jisung is the sun that shines on him.
> 
> So why does Changbin still feel so alone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so this is the last part! It's, uh, ~9600 words, sorry about that. As always, warnings are listed in the end notes! Thank you all so much for reading up until now and I hope you can enjoy the final part!
> 
> -Layni

As it turned out, Jisung's friend Chan was the senior who had stumbled upon Changbin bleeding in the bathroom the same day he had received the shoes, but if Chan remembered that, he did not let it on. He introduced himself again and asked to see the toy, even as Jisung clung to him and moaned about how happy he was to get food as a present. Changbin had been painfully unsure about his choice of gift, but Jisung's expression had made him feel that, for once, he had done something right. Jisung had immediately set to eating the packed lunch- It was simple, with yellow pickled radish, rolled omelette pieces, beef pancakes, rice, and store-bought kimchi, but he acted as though it was the most expensive meal in the world, praising Changbin with each bite he took. Meanwhile, Changbin only ate half of a rolled omelette and yellow pickled radish, which Jisung had noticed but did not comment on.

Chan sat with his back against the wall, eyes narrowed in focus as he carefully sewed the two pieces of Gyu back together. Guilt welled up in Changbin's chest, and he took a swallow of water.

"You don't have to work on Gyu right now...Shouldn't you eat?" He asked in a quiet voice, unsure as he fiddled with the straps of his backpack. The eldest looked up with a smile, shaking his head.

"Nah, I don't normally eat until the very end of lunch anyway. It starts too early for me," He denied, and Jisung rolled his eyes.

"Chan's from Australia so he still likes to eat with, like, an Australian schedule or some shit, I don't even know~" The brunet whined dramatically, throwing himself over on the floor before sitting upright again. He took another bite of the meal Changbin had made, groaning again, "Literally how do you make this stuff, Changbin? I don't get it, it's delicious. You seriously must be a good cook."

"Not really," Changbin shook his head with a serious tone. His eyes were focused on his fingers, which he had tangled together in his lap, "Once I made ddeokbokki taste like coins..."

Chan and Jisung shared an incredulous look before laughing, but Changbin did not find it all that funny. Mom had been angry for days after that, refusing to eat anything he made her and accusing him of trying to poison her so he didn't have to deal with her anymore. There had never been anything farther from the truth- He was nothing without his mother. How could he ever try to poison her? Changbin would rather die the most painful death than do anything to harm her. He took another sip of his water bottle and sighed, looking outside of the window. The sky was grey and the day had gotten progressively colder, which was felt in the aged West wing. Few classes took place there and it was mainly used for storage. A chill passed through his body and he pulled his hoodie out of his backpack, wrapping it around his shoulders. Chan's eyes considered the thin black material but he did not speak, focusing on his task of repairing Gyu.

Jisung made most of the conversation, speaking of classes and homework, music and food, and praising Changbin's cooking and Gyu more than once. Changbin was silently grateful that neither teenager made fun of his stuffed animal. It had been mortifying once he realized how truly child-like he had been in relation to the toy, especially in front of near-strangers, but he did not have much that was _his_. He treasured his few possessions dearly, and the fact that both boys treated that with respect was a new sensation.

"Hey, Changbin," Jisung poked his knee, and the older startled at the touched. He held his hands up in mock surrender, brow raised, "So I was wondering what kind of music you like. Because I listed a whole bunch of bands and you didn't seem to react one way or another to any of them. Chan and I are totally into music and sometimes we even make our own so I just wanted to know~"

"I, uh, don't really listen to music..." Changbin admitted, rubbing the material of his sleeve between his fingers.

"What?! Why not?" Jisung's voice sounded genuinely confused and as though he was in disbelief, his already large eyes made even larger as they widened. Chan, too, seemed startled at the revelation. Still, he only shrugged, holding back his wince as his shoulders burned and pricked with pain.

"I live in a one-bedroom house, but I have the bedroom, so my mom's bed is in the space with the kitchen and living room. Mom needs a lot of rest so I don't really play the radio. We don't have a TV so I can't play any music channels, either. I don't even know if the radio still works, I don't think I've touched it in years," He tilted his head up, looking absently towards the ceiling, "I don't go out a lot, either, so I don't hear a bunch of music playing in stores or on the streets. I think the most music I hear is when I grocery shop..."

"Why don't you go out?" The oldest of the three asked, carefully pushing Gyu's stuffing into the small amount of space he had still left unsewn. Changbin shook his head as a reply, and there was an awkward silence for a few long moments. Jisung clapped his hands together.

"Then I definitely have to show you some of our favorite bands. Right, Chan?" He grinned at the other two, leaving very little room for discussion. Chan nodded distractedly, inspecting the finished repairs. Once he was satisfied, he cut the extra thread and cleared his throat, grabbing Changbin's attention. He leaned over and placed the Munchlax in the younger's lap.

"Does everything look alright to you? I'm not the best at sewing but I've had to do a lot of repairs for my friends over the years, so I'm not too shabby, either," He explained, but Changbin hardly heard a single word spoken as he held the precious toy in wonder. He turned Gyu around in his hands, and the sense of _relief_ and _comfort_ was nearly overwhelming. He felt tears building in his eyes but he refused to let them show in front of strangers- Changbin was useless, yes, but even he knew better than to cry in front of people who hardly knew him. It was bad enough to cry in front of Mom, who gave everything for him. To cry in front of people who you had no real connection to would be truly _foolish_. Stupid. _What a stupid boy_.

But he could not deny the pure joy he felt in that moment, and Changbin looked up at them, offering an awkward and small, restrained smile.

" _Thank you_ ," And though these people could not have possibly understood what they had given him ( _I can sleep Gyu is here I can sleep_ ), what they had saved him from ( _Gyu is here I'm not alone anymore_ ), they heard the sincerity in his voice, and saw the gratitude in his expression. The three sat in relative silence until the bell rang. Chan bid them a cheerful goodbye and made his way to his own class, but Jisung and Changbin walked to their classroom together. Changbin would never know how to admit how much he appreciated the bright chatter Jisung provided the whole while, because not once did worry for his mother's well-being plague his mind, and it was almost like his shoulders felt lighter than before.

 

After finding out where Changbin ate lunch, it was rare for him to not be interrupted by either Chan, Jisung, or both through the period. Though they did not spend the whole time there (Something he was grateful for- Lunch was the only time he could focus his whole attention on what had to be done when he got home, and having people there put a bad feeling in his stomach), they provided company for at least ten minutes a day. Jisung liked to play music and ask Changbin's opinion, while Chan asked him about school and things he enjoyed. Honestly, Changbin preferred Jisung because he was unsure how to answer the eldest's innocent but deadly questions. What did Changbin enjoy? He had no idea. There wasn't anything he had the chance to enjoy- Life always revolved around Mom and was interrupted by school. Still, the silver-haired teen showed an interest in him, which was new...

But either way, Changbin tried to ignore the terrible feelings that fluttered in his stomach when he met with the boys. He could not afford to be distracted- Mom needed him. She spent more and more time in bed, and where she used to be silent, she now whined and cried more often than not. Her face was always wet with tears and he was left to comfort her and clean her up. Changbin did not mind, because he was her son and he was useless, and he had to be better.

However, the more time he spent focused on Mom, the more his grades started to slip. Instead of spending his afternoons doing homework (His schedule was slowly changing and it gripped his heart, paralyzing it with fear), he was by Mom's side, ensuring her every need was taken care of. Making sure she had enough to drink, coaxing her to eat just a few bites of food, brushing her hair, soothing her to sleep. He felt the overwhelming need to do  _more_ , because she was suffering so badly, but he could not. He did not know what there was left for him to do, and so he accepted her poison words. _Useless_. _Bad_.  _Who could ever love you besides me_? Changbin accepted the pinches and scratches (Though some had scarred and he refused to wear short sleeves unless he really had to, in which case the teenager wore a thin hoodie over it), allowing his arms to ache and burn and bleed. It was what he deserved.

Mom deserved better than him.

So he did his best for her, but not his best for school, and the lack of balance finally came crashing down on him one day when his teacher asked to see him at the start of class. The students whispered and Jisung watched him with an expression of overwhelming  _concern_  (It made Changbin sick, he was not worthy of anyone's concern, much less the concern of someone like his classmate who lived and breathed happiness like it was air) as he shuffled up to the teacher's desk, hands fiddling in front of him. Mr. Park instructed the class to begin reading page 405 in the textbook before turning to the nervous boy, sighing heavily. Changbin could not look him in the eye as the older man shuffled around papers on the desk. Instead, he accidentally caught Jisung's eyes- He was given a fist and a silent "Fighting!" which nearly gave him confidence but failed to.

"Changbin, you're a really good kid," Mr. Park began in a low voice, and he had to physically bite his tongue to keep from replying that he was, in fact, just the opposite.  _I guess he doesn't know how useless I am at home, how bad I am,_  he thought to himself, feeling the dull pain from his teeth. The teacher spoke too quietly for anyone but them to hear, but Changbin knew that many students were trying to listen in anyway, and his fingertips felt numb, "But recently your grades have been falling. You aren't in danger of failing most classes, and while it would be nice to bring your grades up in the other classes, right now I'm most concerned about your science grade. If you fail it, we'll have no choice but to hold you back. You know that, don't you?"

"Yes, Mr. Park..." He whispered, head bowed.

"Right now I would really like you to focus on bringing that back up to passing. Once you do, we can consider the other classes that are, admittedly, low but not in danger of being failed. From what I understand, you won't be able to find help at home," Changbin's cheeks blazed red, and a small kernel of fury for his mother's sake began to burn, but he also knew how true it was, "So I need you to begin attending the after-school tutoring sessions. They're three times a school week and an extra weekend day once a month. I'm sure it won't be convenient but it has to be done. Do you understand?"

He nodded, the picture of calm, but inside waves of panic crashed against his rib-cage, and thoughts raced through his head. His teacher explained the tutoring program a little more as he stood there in silence, but Changbin could not hear a damn word.  _Mom, Mom, I can't leave her alone, I can't be without her_ -

By the time he was excused back to his desk to complete the reading assignment that the class had already been assigned, Changbin felt dizzy with terror and stumbled back into his seat. The only one who seemed to notice his aborted movements and blank expression was Jisung, who kept trying to make eye contact with him. But Changbin never looked up, and those worried eyes remained unmet.

 

This time, Changbin did not find himself alone for lunch for even a minute. Jisung and Chan appeared almost immediately, Chan bearing the gift of some sort of Australian cookie that he had never heard of before (Changbin had learned that the eldest of the three often received snacks from his friends back in Australia and had a habit of sharing with his younger friends. He had confusedly asked why Chan was sharing with him then, that day. He was given an affectionate smile and a whole bag of strange chips in return). Changbin did not speak or even pull out his lunch (It was just kimchi and rice, it was the end of the month and there was no money and he had not eaten breakfast for the past four days), instead curling himself around his dark blue backpack with his eyes closed. The three allowed silence to pass over them, not a single boy making a move until Chan finally sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Jisung told me you got called up in class today," He nodded, "What about?"

Changbin felt his poison-dried heart crack, dust crumbling into the empty cave of his chest cavity. He did not answer.

"Seriously, it was so rude of Mr. Park to do that in front of everyone. What was so important that he had to call you at the start of the class instead of the end?" Jisung's tone was indignant, and he stuffed the cookie- _A Tim Tam_?- in his mouth, speaking through the chocolatey mess, "I should like, definitely start a revolution over this. A revolt? Uh...A strike? I dunno, one of those three."

_Crack_.

Chan cuffed the back of Jisung's head affectionately, shaking his head with a fond smile as he scolded him, "I'm pretty sure none of those are the word you're looking for, Sungie."

_Crack._

"Eh, I tried, you know? But seriously. I was so mad," His cheeks puffed as he took on an over-exaggerated angry expression, "Wasn't that terrible, Changbin?"

_Snap._

Changbin buried his head in his arms, shoulders heaving with desperate sobs that he tried to silence with his backpack. When that failed to quiet them enough, he took to biting at his forearm, clenching at the fabric of his uniform with his teeth tightly. Chan was already murmuring soothing words that did not _really_  reach him (He could only hear that they were being spoken, the meanings of the words totally lost on the distraught teen) and Jisung hesitantly reached for Changbin's shoulder before seemingly thinking better of it. It was no secret that he reacted strangely to physical contact, and instead his classmate placed his hand on his foot. On the shoe that he had gifted Changbin. The normally bright boy was pressing his hand hard enough to be felt through the shoe, stroking with his thumb as his face remained sad.

_I'm not worth it_ , Changbin wanted to shout. How could they even bother to show him that kind of care? Weak, useless, pathetic, argumentative, stupid, bad,  _did they have any idea just what they were touching, who they were talking to_? But as always, he selfishly accepted their kindness and clung to it with a desperation he could never recognize. His agonized cries echoed in the empty hallway, the hot tears burning his face. Changbin did not know what he was supposed to do anymore. His mom could not be left alone. It was bad enough that he had to go to school at all, but to stay for hours after? Especially when Mom was so bad?

_Useless_.

If he wasn't so useless, he would never be failing his science class.

As his cries began to quiet down, Chan gently touched his face, tilting his head up to make eye contact. Jisung was tense at the movement, and Changbin wanted to tug away but didn't.

"What happened, Changbin?"

It took a few more moments of harsh, painful breathing and all the bruises on his upper arms ached but finally he managed a reply, "I-I'm failing science. And Mr. Park said that I nee-needed to go to after school tutoring but I  _can't_ , I have to go  _home_  right after school. He doesn't understand, he doesn't g-get it at all! I really have to go home, she needs me there and it's already t-terrible that I have to go to school. I don't have time to stay a-after and I don't have time for any damn science!"

"Why can't you stay after? What's so important at home?" Jisung asked quietly, and the anger that had built up through his bursting rant left him. Changbin's eyes slid shut, and they burned.

He deserved it.

"My mom is sick," Changbin admitted, "She can't work or, or see any friends, or anything like that. It's just her and I and I have to take care of her. Her doctor said not to leave her alone. Mom needs me home."

His voice was weak, thready but it was loaded with many unsaid things. What  _type_  of sick, how sick, and just what exactly  _taking care of her_  implied. Changbin was not trying to keep secrets. It just always seemed to turn out that way, and he refused to make eye contact with either of the two teenagers who sat before him. His breathing still shuddered and he wanted nothing more than to hug Gyu and go to sleep for a long,  _long_  time.  _Mom will be so mad if she knows_ , he thought to himself. She hated when he said she was sick, she always denied it and the fact that he had told not one, but  _two_  other people certainly was the worst thing he had done to her. Now Chan and Jisung would make fun of Mom for being sick and weak, and Changbin was so so  _bad_ -

"I'm sorry, man. That sounds really rough," Chan gave him an understanding smile, and Jisung nodded energetically from his side.

"But you're really cool for taking care of your mom like that. How about this?" The brunet sat up straighter, clearing his throat and holding out his arms on both sides before clapping dramatically, "I've totally got this science class down, and when Chan took it he was like the second in his class, so how about we help you instead of the tutoring program?"

Changbin opened his mouth to object- That didn't let him go home, it only made it so he didn't have to be taught by people he knew. Jisung held up one finger with a raised brow and a knowing grin.

"Since you need to go home, Channie hyung and I can go over to your place-"

"If it's okay with your mom," Chan interjected, seemingly not bothered by having been volunteered for something.

"Yeah, if it's okay with your mom, we can tutor you at your place so that way, you'll get help with science  _and_  you can be home. Chan hyung had Mr. Park for the class and everything so he knows he's good. I bet if we offered that as an alternative, he would totally go with it. What do you think?" The offer had solved numerous problems for Changbin, but it also created a large set of new ones. Still, if he could make it home to Mom on time...

"...You wouldn't mind?"

"Duh, we offered."

"You offered," Chan corrected, but nodded at Changbin, "It wouldn't be a problem."

"I, uh, guess I can ask my mom..."

 

Asking his mom had gone poorly. At first, she had been confused- Just waking up from a day-long nap, drowsy and unsure of where she was. Mom had tried to slip out of bed and tumbled to the floor, but the moment Changbin touched her shoulder she panicked, screaming and getting tangled in her blankets in an attempt to get away. It broke his heart to see her so terrified, even though in her panic a nail had scratched deep into his neck (Later, he had realized he was out of gauze and was forced to double up with large band-aids). After she had calmed down enough to realize where she was and who she was with, Mom was furious that he was failing a class, grabbing his left bicep between her thumb and index finger and squeezing tightly enough to bring him to tears as he clumsily explained that, in fact, he had just wanted to take better care of her so he neglected his schoolwork and fell behind in lessons. Once she was finished with his punishment for being  _stupid useless bad_ , Mom demanded to know just who was coming over and how he knew them.

Then she wept, asking if he was leaving her for them.

Changbin wrapped her up tightly in his arms, rocking her back and forth on the faded wooden floors as he promised, yet again, to always stay by her side. The grief he felt knowing that he made her feel so lonely choked him, and he struggled to breathe. But for Mom, he would do anything. Changbin reassured that he was never going to leave her and she smiled, wiping his tears away with her soft palms and saying it was okay for him to bring Chan and Jisung over to help him with his homework, so long as they stayed in his room.

He hadn't planned anything different. Mom needed rest, and the whole of the small house was an open floor plan, the only walls being that of his bedroom and the bathroom. When he returned to school the next day and told Jisung it was okay, Changbin realized that he had never seen a single person in his house other than his mom, and that his  _repeat repeat repeat_ ed daily life was changing again.

It forced him to retreat to the bathroom in the middle of class to calm his breathing and try to convince himself that it wasn't a bad thing.

The first tutoring session with the two teens came on the last day of school before the weekend, because apparently Jisung wanted to be able to bask in the glow of getting to hang out with Changbin outside of school for the whole of the weekend (Chan had only laughed, but Changbin really wanted to tell the brunet why it was actually a terrible thing to be forced to be with him). The three had agreed to meet by the school gate and have the middle one lead him to his house- Unlike them, Changbin did not have a phone and could not text them the address, and they could not let him know when they arrived. It would be easier to all go there together, it seemed. The two others chatted cheerily about what they would do during the study session, but Changbin could only look at the street in front of him and _worry_  about how...Broken down his house was. The difference between the friend's belongings and his own were painfully obvious, and he knew they lived in a higher class than he.

Changbin knew he was poor. Most people did not worry about making it month to month the way he had to. As they walked up to his small, shabby home, he stared at the cracks cobwebbing the stone steps. His walls were faded and dirty, and he did not have a front yard to speak of. The windows were covered with shabby curtains from the inside and it gave the house an unwelcoming feelings. He pulled his keys out of his pocket and turned around, shuffling his feet a bit as he looked at the space between them.

"I'm not sure if Mom is sleeping, so we need to, um, be quiet when we go in. You can leave your shoes on until you get into my room," He was anxious beyond belief but Chan gave him an understanding smile and Jisung held a finger to his lips with a wink.

Had be not been so terrified, Changbin might have laughed. As it was, he turned back and tried to ignore his trembling arms as he unlocked the front door, closing his eyes for a moment and taking a deep breath before turning the handle and stepping inside. Predictably, it was dark and it took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust. He stepped inside, jerking his head for the other two to follow. Changbin flicked on the lowest light and focused on his mother's bed pushed against the wall by the fridge.

"Mom? Are you awake?" He asked quietly as he ushered his schoolmates in front of him.

"Changbinnie, you're home...?" Came her groggy reply, and Changbin directed Chan and Jisung towards the door that led to his bedroom, giving them a reassuring nod.

"Just head in that door, I'll be there in a second," The teen whispered before heading to his mom's bed. He sat on the edge as he heard  the door close and breathed a sigh of relief, looking at his mother's pale face. Her lips seemed chapped and cracked, and her whole body seemed to be swallowed by the bed, but her eyes were bright and alert, "I'm back, Mom. I brought my schoolmates, they're in my room just like you said. Do you need anything before I go to study?"

Her arm shot out, grasping his chin roughly as she pulled him close. Changbin gasped in surprise, and whimpered a little at her harsh grip- Her voice was comparatively soft, "Study hard, my stupid Changbinnie. Don't you want to be useful? So you have to study hard..."

"I will Mom, I promise," Changbin tried to pull away, and her grip tightened for a moment before shoving him back. Mom waved her hand dismissively, turning around in bed and covering her shoulders with the blanket. Taking the dismissal for what it was, he kissed the back of her head and slipped away from the kitchen, looking nervously at the pantry. It was empty, and he had nothing to offer Jisung and Chan. At the very least, he could give them water, and so after filling three glasses of water, he entered his bedroom. Both teens had removed their shoes and placed them neatly by the door, their backpacks nearby. The two themselves were sitting cross-legged on the floor. When Changbin opened the door, they looked up from whatever conversation they had been having. There were strange looks their faces that he did not even want to attempt to dissect, and he closed the door with his foot, placing the cups on his desk.

"Sooo..." Jisung stuck out his lower lip, leaning back on his arms, "Let's get started right away. Channie hyung brought snacks so you don't have to worry about that. I was thinking that maybe we can make flashcards to help you learn all the vocab terms. Memorizing those is how I do so well in the science class, 'cause like, then I can figure out what each question is at least asking even if I don't know the answer."

"I also want you to go over your old worksheets with me, so I can see what we need to focus on the most," Chan continued from where Jisung left off, reaching for his backpack to pull out highlighters, pens, a binder, as well as various snacks- Some Australian, others Korean. Most were unfamiliar for Changbin anyway, who never had the money to buy snacks. Jisung was rifling through his backpack as well, and Changbin took out all the materials he had on science for the year, cheeks dusted pink as he observed his room. It was simple, with only his bed, desk, and a dresser-closet combo pushed against another wall. The sheets were dark green and the only personal touch was a picture he had taken with his mom in middle school, taped to his wall (They weren't allowed to have picture frames after Mom had broken one and stabbed herself in the arm at the doctor's office). He was sure the other two were judging him and he refused to look them in the eyes.

"Changbin, do you have scissors around here somewhere?" Jisung asked, holding up sheets of white copy paper, "I want to cut these into flashcards for you."

"Uh...Will safety scissors work? That's all we have..."

"Yeah, that's fine," The brunet assured with a smile. Changbin nodded, patting around to find his jacket and grabbing the keys out of his pocket. He stood up, going through the various keys on the ring as he sat in his desk chair. He inserted the correct key into the keyhole, missing the surprised looks that Chan and Jisung sent each other. It was a deep drawer, one that held most of the kitchen knives and all of the safety scissors in the house. He grabbed the largest pair and closed the drawer, locking it again.

"Here," Changbin placed them by Jisung's feet, but the younger chewed on his lip, eyebrows drawn down.

"Yo, do you mind if I ask you a question though?" He asked, ignoring Chan's light hit to his thigh, "Were those kitchen knives in the drawer? Why do you keep them locked up, especially with the scissors?"

"Oh..." The teenager cleared his throat, slipping off the chair.

"You don't have to answer," Chan immediately assured, glaring at his friend who held up his hands in defense.

"No, it's cool. It's just that, my mom is often really tired and drowsy, right? So she's in danger of hurting herself pretty badly if she uses them. We don't have phones so if something happens, she can't call an ambulance or me. In the past she's tried to cook while I was gone and hurt herself..." The secrets began to pile up as lies slipped out of his lips, but Changbin did not hold them back, "So her doctor told me to lock them away while I'm not home."

An awkward silence ensued, each boy preoccupied with getting their supplies together as Jisung just nodded in place of a reply. Eventually, Chan asked to see what Changbin had and the tutoring session began. It was nerve-racking and hard and Changbin hardly answered any questions right, but the three made a study plan and by the time they went home, the teenager felt much less concerned about the next time they came to visit.

Still, as an apology to Mom, he spent the rest of the weekend with her, only leaving her bedside to eat and use the restroom. He studied while holding her hand, ignoring the way her nails dug into his skin. She refused to speak to him, but at the very least she was willing to touch him- Changbin could handle that much, _much_ better than a total denial of his existence. It still was enough to make him grip Gyu that much tighter to his chest when he went to sleep those nights. His chest ached and he wanted Mom to talk to him so badly but he would take what he could get.

Over the next few weeks, Jisung and Chan came over multiple times a week, never being formally introduced to his mother. She would stay in bed and they would head straight to Changbin's room. In those weeks, there were many things that seemed to strike the two friends as strange- The way that there was only furniture in the house and nothing decorative, how Changbin had a key for every lock and that anything that had to be used was _locked away_ in the first place. From having little to no food in his house and how they learned he only grocery shopped once every other week, the teenagers seemed more and more uneasy around him. Changbin made excuses and let the secrets pile up in his heart, until one day his mother _finally_ did what Changbin had feared the whole time.

The three were sitting in a circle on his floor, Chan and Jisung quizzing him on his terms as quickly as possible. It seemed to be the way he learned the best, and his grades _had_ improved with their help. He felt indebted. Just as he was about to answer the eldest's latest definition with the term, he heard the piercing cry from the kitchen. Jisung flinched violently and Chan looked up with wide eyes, but Changbin's shoulders sagged as he stood up, attempting to give them a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry, just uh, stay here. It happens, sometimes..." He left the two shocked boys in his room as he padded out to see his mother. As expected, she had sunk to the floor in the middle of the kitchen, hands tangled in her hair and jaw dropped open as she sobbed. Changbin approached her carefully, kneeling down by her side, "Mom? What's wrong?"

"Changbinnie, useless useless Changbinnie!" She screamed, banging her fists on his chest. He coughed, falling back from the force. Mom's cold hands wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him closer to her. He held his breath, meeting her wild eyes, "Why are you doing this to me? I don't want to go! I want to stay home!"

"Mom, your doctor's appointment isn't until tomorrow, it's okay," He comforted, placing his hands softly on her forearms. She shook her head wildly.

"Stupid! You're absolutely stupid, you need people to come over to _our_ house and teach you what you should have learned in school! My precious Changbinnie, how stupid and useless and _bad_ are you? This house is for us, for us..." She rocked back and forth, still holding him tightly and leaving him no choice but to rock with her. His eyes burned and he gasped at the volume of her voice. Poison washed over him and dried his skin, searing his ears and covering his eyes in a black veil. Changbin shushed her gently anyway, smoothing out her hair.

"Just breath Mom, it's alright," He murmured, pulling her to his chest.

"Shut your mouth, you stupid boy, you hate me, you're supposed live for _me_ Changbinnie!" Mom sobbed into his chest, and he blinked away the tears.

"I love you Mom, you know I do, just shh..." She shook her head and a hand left his shoulder, coming up to grab onto the side of his face. Her long thumb nail dug into his cheek and raked down, and he whimpered at the feeling of his skin being torn. The iron scent of blood filled his nose and the thick liquid beaded it's way down his face. Changbin wrapped his arms around her tighter, pressing a kiss to the top of her head as she whined and moaned. They were all the words he had heard before, and he did not need to listen to know what was being said. Distantly, in the back of his mind, he knew that there was not a chance in hell that Chan and Jisung could not hear everything happening.

But he had to focus on Mom. It was his fault Mom felt like this. He had made her feel unworthy and unloved, and he had caused her heart to hurt. Changbin was bad and stupid and useless and he knew it. He did not need her to tell him, and so he comforted her and apologized until the noise quieted down and she had fallen asleep in his arms. A glance at the clock told him that she had only been in her state of hysterics for maybe twenty minutes- Normally, before a doctor's appointment, it could last over an hour, and he was pleasantly surprised. He struggled to stand, holding her bridal style before tucking her in the blankets and stretching his back. His face was stinging.

_You knew Mom had a doctor's appointment tomorrow. You knew better than to bring Jisung and Chan hyung over_ , he accused himself.

Maybe, but it was too late now. He swallowed, steeling himself as he turned around. He was not surprised to see Jisung's horrified face nor Chan's stony one, but he ignored them in favor of walking to the kitchen sink, grabbing a cloth and wetting it. Changbin made his way to the bathroom, flicking on the lights and inspecting the gash in his face. He would have to clean his skin out from under his mother's nail later, but for the time being he gently wiped up the blood that had run down past his collarbone, wincing when he got close to the tender new injury. Chan appeared by his side suddenly, taking a hold of the cloth and silently continuing the work- Changbin was surprised at how efficient but soft the elder was at cleaning the wound of the congealed blood. Jisung slipped in, opening the medicine cabinet where he knew the medical supplies were (There had been incidents with paper cuts during their study session in the past) and grabbing an ointment and bandages.

Once Chan finished cleaning, the youngest forced Changbin to sit on top of the toilet, leaning down as he covered the injury with the salve and placing a band-aid on top. Once they were done, there was a silence that was almost physically painful. Changbin cleared his throat, and spoke in a voice that was much more calm and solid than how he felt.

"Maybe you guys should go for the night," He suggested, standing up and walking to his room. He heard Jisung begin to protest, but quickly the oldest interrupted. His voice, too, was much more confident than Changbin expected to hear.

"Maybe we should," There was no pity, only kindness and strength and it made Changbin want to sit down and cry. They knew now. The teenagers knew how terrible and pitiful and useless he was, and they would want nothing to do with him. They finally understood where they had been wrong all along, and he sat atop his bed as they packed up their things. Changbin did not bother to rise to walk them to the door, and they did not ask him to. It was long after his schoolmates left that he stood, leaving his room only to lock the door before grabbing Gyu who he had kept stashed under his bed during the daytime. He crawled under all of his blankets, and hugged the stuffed animal close to him.

It had been a long time since Gyu had soaked up so many tears.

 

Jisung did not look him in the eyes during class the next day, and Changbin had resigned himself to going back to existing all on his own yet again. However, he was surprised to find him and Chan in his normal lunch spot later that day. He nearly turned around but Jisung waved with that bright smile of his and it was _gravitating_. Changbin craved that kind of happiness and he could not turn it away, so he shuffled his feet towards the boys, sitting down with them. Chan did not waste time in beginning to speak.

"Changbin, why do you always wear long sleeves?"

"I get cold," Tumbled from his lips. Jisung chewed on his lip, eyeing him anxiously.

"Can you take off your jacket and let me see your arms?" The brunet asked, ignoring Chan's displeased noise. Changbin shook his head, throat closing up.

"I'm wearing the school shirt underneath. It has long sleeves too."

"Then unbutton it and take an arm out. C'mon, please?" And Changbin could not deny him, even though something terrible happened to his insides when Jisung gasped at the remnants of scabs, the myriad of bruises, and the occasional crisscrossing scars. Chan had to turn away for a moment, grasping his silver hair in one hand. It almost sounded like he was catching his breath, but when he turned back, he did not seem any different from before. Changbin's throat spasmed as he slipped his sleeves back on, buttoning the shirt and crossing his arms protectively over his chest. Jisung rubbed a hand over his face, and his voice was quiet, vulnerable even, when he questioned, "Your mom did that?"

"She doesn't mean to," He shrugged, "She's sick."

"Does she always talk to you like that?" The Australian's tone was light and conversational, almost like the question was humorous. He nearly fooled Changbin, but either way, he had no choice but to tell the truth. They already knew the answer.

"Yeah."

"...Changbin," Chan sighed, eyes rimmed red. Then, carefully, "You know that's abuse, don't you?"

"She's sick," Changbin repeated.

_Sick_.

"Does being sick excuse that kind of treatment?"

Changbin picked up his backpack and walked away, blatantly ignoring Jisung's whine and Chan's subsequent shushing.

For the rest of the week, the two boys did not come to his house or bother him at lunch, which he was more than fine with. How _dare_ they speak of Mom that way, when she gave so much for him? It wasn't her fault she was sick like that. He knew that if she had the choice, Mom would be nice to him all the time. She would love him and be nice if he was a good son and deserved it, but he wasn't and he didn't, and she was sick and couldn't see how hard he tried. That was okay. _Changbin_ understood her, even if those two never could. So he fell back into his normal routine with Mom, and everything was back to the way it was supposed to be. He still used the study tactics the other boys had taught him, and he passed his next science test well enough. So everything was fine. He was fine. _I don't need them_ , he thought to himself.

Because he didn't.

But then the next week, Jisung was back to talking to him like nothing had ever happened, and Chan showed up at lunch every other day and Jisung was there almost every day and Changbin's confusion grew. He wasn't sure if he was angry or happy or what emotion it even was that he felt for the teenagers. Every once in a while, they would slip in a question that would make Changbin tense up and become defensive of his mother, but they never pressed him too hard. Instead of studying at his house, they studied during lunchtime, and it was like a weight had been taken off his shoulders.

It was a fragile peace, but it was peace all the same.

 

"Changbin, do you think you can come over to my house?" Jisung asked out of the blue, one lunch. He startled, but immediately set his kimbap roll down, shaking his head.

"My mom needs me at home."

Jisung groaned, "Dude, I got that the first million times. But just once, can't you please come visit me? Chan is supposed to come over this weekend, and I want you to play with us too. Besides, isn't your mom going to that overnight observation thing you told us about last week? To see if she needs that new medicine or whatever? So she won't even be there. You'll be lonely in your house by yourself."

"...I don't know where you live," He excused weakly, knowing he had lost the battle before it had begun.

_I'm sorry Mom._

"So I'll come pick you up Saturday afternoon. I'll even help you pack if you don't know what to bring. Sound cool?" Jisung nodded like it had already been done, phone out. Changbin peaked over, reading _**Bang Channie Hyungie Kangaroo Bro**_. He shook his head at the ridiculously long contact name (He thought that's what they were called, anyway) and sat back, finishing his kimbap and sighing. Changbin, like with many things that happened with Chan and Jisung, had never been over to some else's house. He had no idea what the right thing to do was or what he was supposed to...Be doing there. Why did people go to each other's homes? It didn't make sense to him.

When he entered Jisung's home in the afternoon, Changbin felt a large range of emotions sweep over him. It was a beautiful two-story house, decorated in oranges and reds (Just as bright as the boy himself) and covered with personal touches. From photographs to children's art to cute artistic pieces, there was not a single space Changbin could see that didn't hold personality. It was such a painful change from his own place, and he swallowed back the jealousy, awe, and whatever else it was he was feeling. Jisung took his hand, leading him from the entryway to the kitchen where a woman with short hair and soft face leaned against the counter, talking with a boy older than both he and Jisung.

"Hi, Mom, hyung. I brought my newest friend over~" Jisung sing-songed, and Changbin felt the words hit him. _Friend_? Was that what they were? But before he could get too caught up in it, Jisung's mom smiled kindly at him.

"Hello, you must be Changbin. I've heard quite a bit about you," She laughed, and Changbin bowed deeply.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Han," He spoke with an unsure quality.

"Hey," The boy sitting at the counter spoke, waving a hand that held a cookie, "I'm Jisung's older brother, Jiseok. Cool to meet ya, Changbin, and good on you for dealing with my annoyance of a little brother."

"Aw, hyung is just saying that because he loves me~" The brunet skipped over, hugging Jiseok tightly and pressing their round cheeks together. He then leaned over, snatching the rest of the cookies and running away, grasping Changbin's wrist, "Let's get out of here!"

"Jisungie, you did _not_ just take all of my cookies!" His mother called from behind. Changbin's heart pounded in fear, but Jisung laughed loudly.

"Send Chan up when he gets here! Changbin and I'll be in my room!" Before the teen could even truly process the whole situation, he was seated on Jisung's bed with a handful of peanut butter cookies. He blinked at the boy who had somehow gotten a hold of the bag he had helped him pack, and Jisung winked, "Gotta go fast when you take my mom's cookies, you know. Though she makes them from pre-bought dough so I dunno what she's so proud of."

"I...What?" Jisung spluttered a laugh and wrapped a careful arm around the back of Changbin's neck, pressing a messily wet kiss against the side of his face. He groaned at the strange display of affection but his body craved the physical contact and he did not push the younger away. Jisung took the opportunity to pull Changbin to his laptop which he had dragged down to the floor. He grinned at the older, who waited patiently for him to suddenly begin ranting about how amazing whatever band he was about to be shown was. Sure enough, Changbin spent the next half-an-hour listening to hurried explanations about _Red Velvet_ , how beautiful and amazing and talented they were and getting a detailed biography of each of the five members. He hardly realized when Chan entered and joined in, even singing along with Jisung to their songs. Before he knew it, a small smile had set itself on his face but neither of the other two were going to mention it.

After the boys had exhausted their knowledge of Red Velvet, Chan had asked Changbin if he wanted to try rapping. The others did it by hobby, and immediately Jisung had hopped on board, insisting on hearing him at least try. It took a lot of gentle prodding (Chan) and annoying whining (Jisung), but Changbin finally relented and listened carefully to their step-by-step instructions.

His first attempt had Jisung rolling on the ground in tears and Chan choking back laughs with red-tipped ears, but the second was passable, and the third enough to have Jisung staring at him and whispering, " _I found the rap God..._ "

"It literally cannot mean to sound like that," Changbin denied, shaking his head, but Jisung nodded quickly, holding up a hand.

"No, you sir, have a gift. It took three tries, but we found the gift. That's it, we're becoming Soundcloud rappers. Channie hyung?" He raised an expectant brow towards the Aussie, who shrugged with an easy grin.

"Maybe I'll make a cut in my eyebrow to match the aesthetic."

"This boy knows where it's at," Jisung nodded seriously, drawing a laugh from the eldest. Before he could press the point further, there was a knock at the door, "Come in, hyungie, you're the only one that actually bothers and I literally couldn't care less at this point."

Jiseok poked his head in, "Dinner's ready. Mom's only promised there's enough for Chan and Changbin."

"What?!" Jisung squeaked, and Chan laughed in victory, loosely wrapping his hand around Changbin's thin wrist and tugging him up, pulling him to run out the room and leaving the offended youngest behind. Changbin felt something twist in his heart- An emotion he still could not recognize, no matter how often he felt it around these two- And it stole his breath away. Chan looked at him with a dimpled smile.

"C'mon, let's leave the worst stuff for Jisung," His attitude was light and it filled Changbin with the comfort and confidence he needed to keep moving down the stairs.

Through the meal, Changbin realized what the other two were trying to do. He had slowly been growing in awareness, but when Jisung's dad came home part way through dinner and introduced himself, he understood- _They're trying to show me what families are like._ The thought stung, _burned_ in fact, and he could not deny the jealousy he felt with Jisung's parents shared a short but sweet kiss and Jiseok teased Jisung about his squirrel-like features that none of the rest of the family shared (Changbin had never made that comparison, but now he could see it plain as day), and he could not hide the warmth he felt with each compliment Jisung's mother showered on him (So polite, so handsome, so pleasant) or each easy but interesting question his father asked (Do you like school? Jisung said you read, what's your favorite book?). He especially could not ignore the pleasure he felt with every smile Jisung sent his way and every time Chan casually brushed his shoulder or his knee. It was inviting and loud and happy and nothing like Changbin had experienced before.

Nor had be ever built a pillow fort on a bedroom floor, or played with Gyu as a prince saving Jisung's princess Bulbasaur named _Sweetie_ with Chan's Snorlax over-watching the whole thing with a wise and careful eye. He had never stayed up until two a.m. watching a strange comedy movie that he didn't really understand but was hilarious anyway (Chan reassured him it was the same for everyone, and Changbin missed the gleeful exchange of looks between the two friends every time they heard him laugh). He had never been squished between two people who brought out such a strange and wonderful feeling underneath a mess of blankets, with Gyu laying on his chest and staring at the top of their pillow fort with tears building in eyes no matter how much he tried to will them away.

_Family_ had always been a painful concept to him. Family had meant bruises and crying and hugging and never being good enough and blood and sickness and struggle and _devotion_ and more. But the family he had witnessed in that afternoon and evening was entirely different. It was... _Positive_. Praise, reassurance, love, gentle teasing and touches. It was nothing like what he had known before, and it made his heart ache all the more when he finally let the sobs bubble from behind his lips to break in the open air. Chan was careful of his bruised and cut biceps as he wrapped an arm around his waist, pressing Changbin close to him. On the other side, Jisung held his hand and stroked it carefully with his thumb, breathing close to his ear but strangely reassuring as he nuzzled his face close. He felt like he was bursting from the inside out, agony tearing at the very core of being. Part of his mind was conscious that Jisung's whole family could probably hear him since Jisung's bedroom was next to his older brother's and across from his parent's, but he could not bring himself to feel embarrassed. Hot tears coursed down his cheeks as he choked on the air, coughing and crying and everything in-between.

He did not know how long it took for him to quiet down into small sniffles, or how long it took for him to drift to sleep, but he was aware of Chan kissing his forehead and Jisung clinging to him and Gyu both, whispering that Changbin may not believe it, but he was a loved friend.

Had Changbin not been so close to sleep, it would have been enough to push him to tears again.

The next morning, Changbin took a shower with non-discounted and not-probably expired shampoo and conditioner, and before stepping in Jisung had insisted that he use the orange hibiscus flower shower gel, and so he had. The scent was unique and sunshiney and nothing like Changbin but suited him all the same, and his hesitant smile when Jisung's mother complimented it was enough to have Chan squealing to Jisung about how cute he was. It was not the first time the eldest had done such a thing but it brought a pink blush to his cheeks and Jisung cooed as he sat down to eat.

Despite having the younger's assistance packing the day before, Changbin had failed to bring proper clothes for the next day ( _"Yeah, maybe_ I _should have gone to pack with him,"_ Chan had rolled his eyes when he found out), and so he was wearing a pair of Jisung's skinny jeans and his black T-shirt. It was uncomfortable, because a good half of his mosaic of bruises, cuts, and scars were on display (Jisung offered him a jacket, but Changbin did not want to take more of his clothes than he had to), but no one in the small family commented on them or even allowed their eyes to linger. He was grateful and almost disappointed all at once, and when it was time for him to return home...He bid the two-story house and the people in it goodbye. Chan and Jisung walked him to the hospital where he would pick up his mom, and they spoke nothing of his crying the night before. Instead, Changbin joked about Red Velvet and _3RACHA_ (As they had so cleverly named their imaginary Soundcloud rap group during dinner), and Chan teased Jisung for being loud and Jisung clung to Changbin while whining about how unfair the oldest was. It was peaceful and...Nice.

"Thanks for inviting me over," Changbin said softly as they came to a stop in front of the office.

"Of course!" Jisung held his thumbs up, "You're welcome over anytime!"

"Just be sure to invite me. Without hyung, it would get boring~" Chan sighed, giving Jisung a critical look.

Changbin bid the two teenagers goodbye a few short moments later, and walked through the glass doors he knew so well. He was greeted by familiar nurses in familiar halls as he walked to the proper check-in desk for the mental health patients. He stared at the floor as he waited for the nurses and the psychiatrist to bring his mother to him. The marks she left were still on full display, and when he made eye contact with her doctor, a wave of understanding washed over the educated man. Changbin only smiled, thanking the doctor and nurses for their help. He shrugged of Dr. Kang's concerned questions and handed Mom a caramel from his pocket, petting her hair affectionately as they exited the building.

"Changbinnie came to get me," Mom smiled at him, leaning into his shoulder. Changbin held back his cry of pain, sighing with a small smile.

"I'll always come to get you, Mom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Part Three Warnings:] Physical, mental, and emotional abuse of teenage child, role-reversal between mentally ill parent and child, unspecified mental illness, guilt complex, minor self-harming actions, self-deprecating thoughts, anxiety attack, heavy emotional distress

**Author's Note:**

> [Part One Warnings:] Physical, mental, and emotional abuse of teenage child, role-reversal between mentally ill parent and child, heavy emotional distress, referenced anxiety attacks


End file.
